Funny

[-(aaK)- Neil Faz]

What's blue and f**ks grannies?

Hypothermia
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What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?

AIDS.
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What did the blind, deaf, mute boy get for Christmas?

Cancer.
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What's Stevie Wonder's favourite colour?

Corduroy.
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How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Suck it off.
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What's pink and smells of olives?

Popeye's fingers.
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What do you do after raping a blind, deaf and dumb girl?

Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
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What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. You've told her twice already
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What's got 4 legs and goes 'Woof'?

A cat doused in petrol
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What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Christopher Reeves, after the fire.
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What's the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Hitler ?

Hitler tried to finish the race
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I was standing at a bar in the pub when I overheard this conversation between two blokes

"Do you know what? I could have sex with any woman in this pub".

"Oh yeah? How's that then?"

"I'm a rapist".
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Young lady goes to Doctor with abdominal twinges. He runs the usual gamut of tests, and sit her down.
"Well Miss Green," he says, "I hope you are looking forward to many long sleepless nights, filled with crying and changing dirty nappies."
"Why?" she replies, "Am I pregnant?"
"No - You have bowel cancer"
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A bloke rings in sick to his workplace
His boss asks "How sick are you", To which he replies " well i`m in bed with my sister right now".

[-(aaK)- Neil Faz]

Bob and his wife are expecting a baby. It's been 9 months and the baby is due at any time. One day, Bob gets a call at work, and a voice on the line says, "come down right away, your wife is going into labor!"

After half an hour of traffic and frantic driving, Bob finally makes it to the hospital. He runs inside, and searches high and low for his wife, with no success. Finally he stumbles upon the nursery, and he sees a young nurse. She's holding a bundle of cloth, and from it a tiny little head pokes out. "Sir," says the nurse, "this is your baby." Bob is astonished, and a wave of joy rushes over him.

The nurse drops the baby on the floor.

Bob goes apeshit. "WHAT THE f**k are you DOING!" he shouts.

Then the nurse starts to kick the baby around on the floor like a soccer ball. After she's done with that, she picks the baby up and throws it against the wall. "Stop it! STOP! You're killing my baby!" says Bob. The nurse turns and smiles.

"April Fools! It was dead when you got here."

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Woman is in hospital giving birth...
...the baby comes out and the doc says, "I've got good news and bad news for you"

woman says, "give me the bad news first"

doc says, "your baby is stillborn"

woman, "oh my god, what on earth is the good news?!"

doc says, "it was ginger"

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Jill Dando's husband wanted to paint their front door green, but she was dead against it.
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Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.