Post by -(aaK)- Nav on Sept 21, 2004 18:38:32 GMT
This is best with Ahnold's own accent mentally resonating
through your head as you read it - rent one of his movies
if you need to, just to get that voice going....
2004 CALIFORNIA STATE EMPLOYEE GIRLY-MEN HANDBOOK
THE NEW 2004 CALIFORNIA STATE EMPLOYEE
GIRLY-MEN HANDBOOK
by ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more,
so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes
for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim Fast.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according
to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers,
and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing
well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do
not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where
you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work.
There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers.
Every effort should be made to have no employees attend to such
arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary,
funeral should be schedule in late afternoon. We will be glad to allow
you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave
that much earlier.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract,
the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense,
your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under "Chronic Offenders."
Thank you for your loyalty to our great state.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
THE GOVERNATER
through your head as you read it - rent one of his movies
if you need to, just to get that voice going....
2004 CALIFORNIA STATE EMPLOYEE GIRLY-MEN HANDBOOK
THE NEW 2004 CALIFORNIA STATE EMPLOYEE
GIRLY-MEN HANDBOOK
by ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more,
so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes
for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim Fast.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according
to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers,
and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing
well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do
not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where
you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work.
There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers.
Every effort should be made to have no employees attend to such
arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary,
funeral should be schedule in late afternoon. We will be glad to allow
you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave
that much earlier.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract,
the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense,
your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under "Chronic Offenders."
Thank you for your loyalty to our great state.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
THE GOVERNATER
