RiO
Clansman
MooShu
Posts: 482
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Post by RiO on Aug 31, 2004 2:30:36 GMT
A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of poo!
He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "It's nae guid tae do that, the jacket's ruined"
He replies "Aye, ah ken, but ma sandwiches are in the pocket"
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
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RiO
Clansman
MooShu
Posts: 482
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Post by RiO on Aug 31, 2004 2:30:59 GMT
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door
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RiO
Clansman
MooShu
Posts: 482
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Post by RiO on Aug 31, 2004 2:39:19 GMT
A Bosnian footballer is signed to Liverpool Football Club. In his first game he scores three goals against Manchester United. The crowd go wild - everyone loves him. He’s Man Of The Match. He’s so pleased he phones home to tell his Mum.
“It’s all very well for you” she says. “You don’t think about us - all our posessions have been stolen, you sister’s been raped, your father’s been shot, our house has been burnt down and your brother’s been kidnapped”.
“I’m really sorry about all that, Mum, but I don’t see what it’s got to do with me”
“Well Son, you’re the one who insisted we move to Liverpool”.
Two Scousers walk up to the Pearly Gates and ask St Peter if they can come in. “Hmm...” Says Peter, “I don’t know... Scousers, we’ve had trouble with you lot before... Tell you what, you wait here and I’ll ask the Boss”. Peter goes to see God.
“God, there’s two Scousers at the gates who want to come in”. “Hmm...” Says God. “I don’t know... We’ve had a lot of trouble with Scousers. Tell them to wait, and I’ll have a think about it”. “OK” says Peter, and he gets off. A few minutes later he’s back. “God, they’ve gone”. God says “I thought I told you to have them wait”. “No”, says Peter, “not the Scousers - the gates have gone”.
Q) What do you call a Scouser in a suit?
A) The accused.
Q) What do you call a Scouser in a semi-detached house?
A) A burglar.
Q) What do you call a Scouser at University?
A) A Porter.
Q) What do you call a Scouse girl in a white shell suit?
A) The Bride.
Q) How can you tell if a Scouse girl has an orgasm?
A) She drops her chips.
Q) What do you say to a Scouser with a job?
A) "Big Mac and fries, please".
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RiO
Clansman
MooShu
Posts: 482
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Post by RiO on Aug 31, 2004 2:39:51 GMT
Sorry ICE... cudnt resist the payback ;D
*high fives Mark* ;D
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Post by -(aaK)- ICE on Aug 31, 2004 10:18:04 GMT
[glow=blue,2,300]Aww you shouldnt diss scousers like that rio ;D[/glow]
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Post by -(aaK)- Nav on Aug 31, 2004 11:04:50 GMT
Lmao, nice RiO. Poor ICE, got to feel sorry for the scots for so many reasons.
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Post by -(aaK)- FD Exterminator on Aug 31, 2004 13:13:57 GMT
lmfao i think there should be a thread for scottish jokes.
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Post by -(aaK)- Deltz on Aug 31, 2004 18:30:27 GMT
Lmao Rio.
And nice edit Ice lmfao...
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Post by -(aaK)- ICE on Aug 31, 2004 19:53:29 GMT
Lmao, nice RiO. Poor ICE, got to feel sorry for the scots for so many reasons. |
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RiO
Clansman
MooShu
Posts: 482
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Post by RiO on Aug 31, 2004 22:08:16 GMT
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