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Post by -(aaK)- Deltz on Mar 2, 2004 21:37:50 GMT
Playing Mommy and Daddy
A little boy comes home from school and asks his mother for some ice cream.
The mother is having a bad day and snaps, "NO!". The little boy turns and runs into his room.
After a minute, the mother feels bad she snapped and knocks on his door.
"Johnny, I'm sorry I snapped at you. Do you want to play a game or something?"
"Sure," Johnny replies. "How about we play Mommy and Daddy?"
"OK," says the mother. "How do we play?"
"You go upstairs and lay down on your bed."
The mother figures this is harmless, so she agrees and goes upstairs.
Meanwhile, Johnny rummages throught the closet and finds his dad's hat and coat. He digs in the ashtray to find a long cigarette butt.
After dressing and putting the cigarette in his mouth, he swaggers up the stairs.
There, on the bed, is his mother. Johnny marches in, walks up to the bed, and says, "Get your butt out of bed and get that kid some ice cream!"
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Post by -(aaK)- Deltz on Mar 2, 2004 21:42:44 GMT
Abstinence
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.
The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.
The retired couple said it was no problem at all.
The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.
The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man.
"She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then.
lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man.
"We're not welcome in B&Q either."
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Post by -(aaK)- Deltz on Mar 2, 2004 21:49:12 GMT
Just two more, almost at a hundred. (Saddo)
Trip to the vet
Three Labrador Retrievers - 1 brown, 1 yellow and 1 black - were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids, but the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab asked, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it.
When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets, but I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you at the vet's office?"
"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself."
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
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Post by -(aaK)- Deltz on Mar 2, 2004 22:00:02 GMT
Two Guys and a Bear.
Two guys are out in the woods hiking.
All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.
The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets too close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it."
The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear..."
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you...
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Post by -(aaK)- zZzTheAngel on Mar 5, 2004 15:30:51 GMT
lol very funny i like the last one!
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