Drinkers Guide

[-(aaK)- Deltz]

If you recognize yourself in any of the situations below, you're in real
trouble. On the other hand, if you do, chances are that you don't care
anyway.

Drinkers' Troubleshooting Guide

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and shirt front is wet.
Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of
face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with
as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and beer unusually pale and
clear.
Fault : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Fault : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its
owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom : Lap cool and wet.
Fault : Drooling on yourself.
Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom : Bar blurred.
Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain
loudly that you are being hijacked.

Symptom : Bar looks like a circus.
Fault : You're at a circus.
Solution : Go to a bar.

Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a
fluorescent strip across it.
Fault : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking
arm, stay put.
If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and
cigarette butts.
Fault : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!

[Buzz]

[glow=red,2,300]lmao nice one hmmm one thing though I seem to have experienced a few of them them lol, very troubling [/glow]

[-(aaK)- Deltz]

Yea, i've experienced too many of these symptons...
Damn Alcohol..... ;D
It was setting my long term memory off left, right, and center. Oops, done that and that.
Think i'm gonna have to print a copy for my wall and tick off which ones i can manage in a single evening, next time i'm out and about......
Fair chance of achieving most of em lol.

[-(aaK)- Deltz]

Highway Patrolman

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust.

At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The
man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around
the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned
his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into
the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to
drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man
over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the
man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I am the designated decoy!"

[KT]

HAHA! Very good the pair of them!

[-(aaK)- Deltz]

Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

The Beer Prayer

OUR LAGER, WHICH ART IN BARRELS, HALLOWED BY THY DRINK. THY WILL BE DRUNK, I WILL BE DRUNK, AT HOME, AS IT IS IN THE PUB. GIVE US THIS DAY OUR FOAMY HEAD, AND FORGIVE OUR SPILLAGE, AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SPILL AGAINST US. AND LEAD US NOT TO INCARCERATION, BUT DELIVER US FROM HANGOVERS. FOR THINE IS THE BEER, THE BITTER, AND THE LAGER, FOREVER AND EVER.


After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

[KT]

HAHAHAHAHA!!!! THAT BEER PRAYER IS THE BEST!

[-(aaK)- Deltz]

This is brilliant......

The Five Stages Of Drunkeness

Stage 1 - CLEVER

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE

This is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snob the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.

THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP

Stage 1 - STUPID

As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realize that you have lost not only several hours of your life, but also the ability to concentrate on anything at all. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.

Stage 2 - UGLY

Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror, the first thing you are horrified to discover is that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try to shave while still shaking.

Stage 3 - POOR

Having crawled out of bed and got dressed, you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of pizza on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeout at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake.
Rationionalizing that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.

Stage 4 - FRAGILE

As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.

Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS

This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.